i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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