Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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