I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
