I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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