I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
