I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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