She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's always time for handjobs
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
