What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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