is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
