I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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