My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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