Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
