sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
