okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
