Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize