I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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