She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
