Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
