I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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