yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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