Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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