Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Holy sore nipples Batman
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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