I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
