he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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