"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
