Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
