keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
