turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
