I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize