I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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