apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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