Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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