So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
