I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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