call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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