I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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