He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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