I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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