drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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