Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
