Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
