end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I CAN MOONWALK!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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