If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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