oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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