She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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