I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
