You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
