dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
