I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
