A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
