They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
