I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
