none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
