Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
