I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
