Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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