I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
