if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
