yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
