I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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