I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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