i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
